Calling Names and Missing the Deed
Calling others names is much en vogue. The political landscape is ripe with the habit of putting a label on a person or whole group. The label may be a noun (hero, rapist, genius, moron) or adjective (brilliant, crooked, small, untrustworthy). Labels target the whole person in the image in the mind of the user to be 100% “XYZ”– an assessment the recipient may not share and object to even when used as praise such as “you are a great nurse, dad, friend, etc.,” or “you are so smart, beautiful, fabulous”.
When training teams in Comfort Talk® we emphasize the risks of using labels that seem positive to the user but can backfire even when given sincerely and with best intentions. Dr. Eleanor Laser, the co-author of our book “Patient Sedation without Medication” had this experience (1). When asked to observe a teacher during class she sat quietly and upon leaving said “You are a good teacher.” The teacher became angry and reported her to the supervisor. The explanation of her rancor was “How would she (Dr. Laser, a psychologist, not a teacher) know what or what was not ‘good’ teaching.” She clearly resented Dr. Laser’s unqualified assessment, and Dr. Laser never forgot the lesson.
A further disadvantage of labels is that they convey a fixed character trait – no room to change. If one wishes to express a well received compliment encouragement is a much better approach. Encouragement has three elements: specific description of the person’s deed, that it is appreciated, and why that is the case. One of our trainees, who started using encouragement at home, one day was truly moved and surprised when her teenage daughter apparently had picked up on the principle and said “Mom, I think it’s really neat that after you come home from work you make dinner for all of us together. It really keeps the family close.” Such encouragement is so much more memorable than “you are a great mom” would have been. And as a side effect, the statement certainly encouraged mom to continue with the good deed and feel appreciated when doing so.
Now let’s look at derogatory labels. There are rampant examples in the current election cycle. How do people pick what they think is the worst label that they can attach to someone? Debbie Ford looked into that further in her book “The Dark Side of the Light Chasers (2).” Going along with Jungian psychology and Ego State Therapy concepts, the idea is that we all have in us different parts of our personalities, shaped through life experiences and social context. Some parts we consciously acknowledge and accept, but then there is always a “shadow,” so repelling that it usually remains unaware, suppressed in the unconscious mind. However, to be whole one has to accept and even embrace all parts, the good and the bad one. Until that is the case, people tend to project these least desirable, feared traits onto others in the form of calling names. Another escape is subconsciously seeking it out in others – the reason why some end up with the same type of “incompatible” partners again and again.
Learning about one’s shadow can help explain behaviors that are vigorously pursued to escape the label of the shadow: The tough guy is so tough because deep down he is a softy. Debbie Ford was horrified to find that her “shadow” was being “racist” and suppression of that part had fueled a lifelong fight against inequality. Accepting the shadow then as a driver of compensatory good behavior can release the energy that otherwise would have been wasted in suppressing it and allows a more integrated harmonious way forward.
If you want to venture in finding out what your shadow is, just start noticing what tends to annoy you repeatedly and what labels you use when describing someone who pushes all your buttons. Then reflect on whether there are actions you can take in order NOT to appear like the label.
Negative labels are easy, and may get votes – but they can also reveal the shadows of the user, their deepest inner fears and drivers of their behavior. Even when intended as positive descriptors, labels tend to miss the mark – they will not encourage desired behaviors of the recipient, may cause bad feelings, and broadcast more about the user than he or she may wish. Why don’t you go out to day and practice encouragement? Say to at least one person what they are doing well in specific terms (there has to be at least one thing someone else is do right!!), that you appreciate it and why it is good thing. You may be surprised at the reaction.
References
- Lang EV, Laser E. Patient sedation without medication. Rapid rapport and quick hypontic techniques. A resource guide for doctors, nurses, and technolgists. Raleigh, NC: Lulu; 2009. 1-225 p.
- Ford D. The dark side of the light chasers: Riverhead Books The Penguin Putnam Inc; 1998.